I've been thinking alot about parenting lately. See, I'm usually one of those annoying people who refuse to see anything in black or white, but I can't help but pull an either/or on the subject of parenting. Master Yoda (or someone) once said "Do or do not, there is no try". You're either being a good parent or you aren't.
And the thing is, as I've gotten older and gotten to observe parenting on multiple levels, (I've babysat, worked in a daycare, I'm good at observing people in public settings, I've had friends with parents and friends who've become parents - I've seen it all.) I can't help but notice how incredibly lucky I was to end up with two capable, loving parents who on an overall scale did incredibly good.
The more things I learn about good parenting, the more I've gotten to think about what parenting styles I agree or disagree with, my parents seemed to know what they were doing.
It seems like everyone around me has bad parents. The girls feel their mother is too emotionally distant, and their dads don't understand them, and the guys feel like their mothers are babying them, and their dads are emotionally distant. Maybe this observation has some relation to the town I grew up in, though.
See, I was surrounded by people whose parents had them when they were too young and still thought it was cool to spoil and doll up their kids, and then got divorced and bored with the babies. Some got smacked, some had mothers who had many boyfriends, many got caught in divorce-arguements... It's a jungle out there.
My parents got divorced when I was 9, and I am very glad they did it when I was that young. Sure, it made me sad, but my parents got divorced because they had really, really tried, and decided to call it quits while they could still like each other enough to be friends instead of doing what most of the other parents seemed to do; either tough it out and fake it to the kids until one of you snaps and leaves, or have loud, violent arguements for years, scaring the crap out of your children.
Mine stayed friends. They co-operated, they supported each other and pretty much still put up a united front until I was in my teens.
Sure, I had some hormonal years where I went through the afforementioned mandatory stage for teenage girls, "I'm scared that my mother doesn't love me, and my dad tries but doesn't get me", but I snapped out of it, and I have a very good relationship with my parents now. I know that my mother loves me, and I love her so much for never giving up on me like I've seen happening to too many of my friends. And my dad... Well, he tries, but still doesn't get me. But that's okay, that's what dads do, and I know that he loves me and doesn't think I'm a complete retard.
I used to get beat up a lot at school when I was a kid. I was skinny and pale by nature, and I was an outsider with a very rhymey name, it was bound to happen.
I don't remember hating any of my bullies. I felt hurt that they took their frustrations out on the weak kid, but I knew their parents... I mean, it was a very, VERY small town, and everyone was related in one too many ways. I saw how the bullies parents were and acted, and I remember often feeling sorry for them. You know, a sort of "they have so much bad inside because their parents aren't as patient/loving as mine" kind of way. (and they said I learned nothing at bible camp?)
I had friends who were bullied when I was younger. Some of the parents didn't support them. They blamed their own kids, or didn't take it seriously. Mine believed me, they supported me in every way they knew how, and I feel incredibly lucky I wound up with them when I look back on that.
People say a lot of things about my parents, and about how they let me become the person my reputation makes people think I am. It makes me sad that even as a teenager, most of my friend's parents disliked me because of something they'd heard from other parents. How can adult people be that mistrusting?
People say good things about me too, but let's start with the bad. Growing up in a small society, word travelled fast. Anywhere within hours of driving, someone has heard your name and knows something about you. And these people are not the best storytellers either, to put it that way.
They make me out to be this evil, unhygienic, sad person who turns people's daughters gay warps their minds with my left-wing propaganda, and I also think people think I'm kind of a slot even though I'm very picky.
The bad things are rumours vindictive ex-friends or exes have made up, as well as stories people have twisted and blown way out of proportion, by the way.
I can't help but feel bad for my parents whose work is so discredited. Sure, I've been emotional sometimes and done some dumb shit, but not more than others have done.
I've been cautious about sex, never tried hard drugs, I didn't start smoking at 12 like some of the others, I didn't start drinking at, well, 12 like many of the others, I've never done burglary or shoplifted or beat up a weak kid, or avoided being helpful to random people who happen to cross my path.
Oh, and rumour has it I'm a great daycare-nanny.
That's gotta be worth something, right?
When I got through the emotional, bakwards, overly hormonally drugged rollercoaster-ride that is the teenage years, I managed to peek out on the other side as a somewhat stable, friendly, intelligent person who chooses to believe the good in people. Sure, there are some anxiety now and then, but that comes from years of feeling like I've been damned in the closed society I was confined to for years, not my parents.
WHIIIIIICH leads me to my point. Finally.
Being a good parent is a choice. There are good parents, people who love their kids and really try, and there are bad parents, who feels annoyed or ashamed or scared by the kid and choose to not care much about what kind of a person's mind they were molding, or how they did it. It never ceases to amaze me what kind of dumb behavioural and look-wise example people choose to set for their kids.
Slutty moms, angry soccer dads, Drug-addicts, teenage moms who decided to not have the abortion because "I already had one and besides, babies are cute" only to get tired of them and keep acting like a teenager for a good ten more years, tired moms who look like men and have the "yeah yeah yeah whatever it takes to keep you quiet just do whatever"-kind of parenting style, and dads who treats others like they're garbage to him.
My parents read to me. They practiced writing with me, they rejoyced over all the crappy art I made, they took my words seriously, and most of all, they never exposed me to bad behaviour. They made a point out of being friendly and polite, they were honest with me, and they answered all my dumb questions. I have ADHD, so... There were A LOT of question. (Thank you for the incredible patience on that one, mom and dad! <3 )
They didn't mock me for crying or yell at me, they didn't use me to get back at each other or take out their hate for each other on me, they didn't go out and get drunk and leave me all alone, and they made a point of out driving nicely. Well, my mother did. My dad's driving taught me how to swear; But you get the point.
What makes a good parent is the will to try anything in your power, and to admit that you have more to learn and take all the opportunities you can get to improve your parenting-skills. You're also a good parent when you love your child and let them know that you do so, and when you decide to never tell kids not to do something you wouldn't do yourself.
You're a BAD parent when you treat your kids like they are dumb, when you refuse to remember that it is not logical to get angry at kids for not knowing something there were no way they could know, and when you treat your children as belongings, possesions, intead of a tiny, real person.
You are also a bad parent when you give up on raising your kids, or take the easy way out and let them have and do whatever they want, or get annoyed with them for being kids, and most important of all... When you give up trying to make them a decent, polite human being because you don't give a shit and have the money to not do so anyways.
I don't have children yet, but when I do... I know what kind of parent I want to be. I know what styles, techniques and behavioural patterns I want to use on my children, and which ones I don't. I've always felt that in order to make an informed deciscion, one needs to gather up as much information as one can, and the more I learn... The more I feel myself becoming my parents. That's right. I catch myself saying things or voicing opinions like my parents do, and getting annoyed at the same things I remember hearing my parents get bugged by. And then I think to myself. "Well. It seems like my parents were right."
That's, right, I said it. I'm 22, my brain is almost fully grown, I admit it now. My parents were right.
So, whoever you are, what ever you've heard about my parents, know this. My parents did their best to make me as intelligent and nice as possible, and they wanted me to be that way because they were too. They supported me, and put up with all my crap, even when I said hurtful things I wish I could take back a million times or acted up. They fought for me, they supported me, and they always make sure I know just how much they love me. They fed me healthy food (well, sans the massive loads of pasta), they helped me with my homework, they kept me fed and clean and clothed, and they did their very best. They set a positive rolemodel for me and treated others withe politeness and kindness, and they were honest with me. Always.
It seems like everyone but me has a broken family. When I count up all the things my parents did right, I see how incredibly low the odds are for getting parents with all the qualities needed to be good parents, and I feel lucky.
Whether you feel your parents are good parents or bad parents, there will always be something they did right, some good thing they taught you, and you need to hang onto that. No matter how they act, or how you turned out (hey, it's their fault!), they love you.
Mine do.
Mine did great.
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