I want to matter.

I've finally realised what I want from my life. Or, I do want many things, but I've realised what one of my dreams are.
In danish, there's a saying roughly translating "to burn for". If you burn for something, you just somehow know that this, this is what you love/are good at/are meant to do. You know what your goal is, and you feel some inner fire fuelling you to get there.
I've never had that. I have things I would love to do, but can't, and my talents... I don't have any astonishing talents. I don't have some inexplicable talent that can somehow be documented or filmed or recorded or something. I don't have people calling me up, saying "Hey, I need some help, and you're the only one I know of who can do this job well enough."
I have things I'm good at, things I do well, but nothing, not a thing to show for it.

Somehow, I've always managed to flail around in life, just drifting through with no real purpose. Nothing is permanent to me, nothing is constant, and nothing is given. But, for those same reasons, nothing has really seemed to matter. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of stuff to live for, and I am a somewhat happy person, but... There's never been a lingering sense of direction. Until now.

I want to matter. I know that I do matter to some people, but that's not what I mean. I want to have such an impact on a person's life that they immortalise me. That I have somehow been such an important element of somebody's life that they feel like they have to talk about it, or write songs about the feelings, or a poem, or paint pictures, something.
I want, when I die a longlonglong time from now, all grey and wrinkly,  to know that this life hasn't been in vain. That I have, by existing, wronged a right in the world. Helped someone, heard someone, mattered to someone, CHANGED SOMEONE'S TRAJECTORY, left such deep and lovely feelings in someone that they can't help but share it with the world.
I want someone to look at whatever these inspired people made, and think "I know who inspired that song/poem/painting/storybook/invention", and smile.

In other words, my dream is to be the start of a positive chain-reaction.

I realise I might come off a bit selfish writing this, but that was not my intention. I don't feed off of the attention of others, and I don't try desperately to matter to everyone, but I must admit that it is a fear of mine, leaving the world without leaving a footprint.
I need to leave a dent. If the world was a giant car, and every important changes to it, no matter how small, were dents, I want to somehow be part of what inspired someone to leave one. I need to know I wasn't just another drop in the ocean.


Until that happens, I will keep listening to beautiful lovesongs, wishing they were about me, and drawing my crappy drawings hoping I'll someday have some life-changing epiphany somehow inspiring me to make truely original or beautiful art.The fire just needs to be lit.


Also, I think that maybe this ambition of mine is my reason for still being alive. Not that I've ever wanted to commit suicide or anything, but life just somehow seems so arbitrary. The things we do everyday to keep ourselves alive, whether for the short or the long run they sometimes seem so pointless, it overwhelms me; it sometimes keep me from remembering that I too am a piece in the giant puzzle that makes "the whole picture". I can't see the whole picture, because it is so incredibly large, but I know that I am a teeny tiny part of it. The only thing I can't figure out is how my piece fits in with the big picture, and where.