Winter blues

Seasonal Affective Disorder, or as it is appropriately shortened down to, SAD, is a thing that affects me every year.  I prefer to refer to it as 'winter blues', as that's what it means to me.

In other words, during wintertime, I feel "blue".  I do my best to counteract it, and I'm going to the doctor soon to have my vitamin D levels checked out. I'm also listening to music constantly, and I do my best to be surrounded by people so I can't sit alone and rot in my own thoughts.

I figured I'd nip some of the effects of the winter blues in the bud by being honest about it this year.

This is what happens to me, this is how I react, this is why I do what I do best: avoiding human contact.

SAD makes me feel, well, sad. Sometimes for no reason at all. I can just wake up in the morning and go through an entire day having to constantly struggle not to break out in tears.

I start to sleep more, and for longer periods of time. I start feeling more and more inadequate, irritable, irritating and useless, and I start to withdraw more and more. As I begin to question myself and withdraw, it starts spiralling downwards, as the withdrawing leads to feelings of defeat and thoughts like "why can't I just be happy and social?" or "why can't I just get out of bed and go to work?" or "why can't I just..."

You get the point.

It affects my sleep pattern too, in the way that it makes it harder for me to get to sleep, stay asleep, and get out of sleep.

It starts at night. As soon as I'm alone because everyone else has gone to bed, and I've realised I might need to sleep too. Why do I wait until everyone else has gone to bed? Because I'm afraid to try to sleep. Afraid I'll fail. Afraid of the hours of thinking and tossing and turning that are ahead of me before I finally get some rest.

When I lie down in bed, all the thoughts I've been suppressing come rushing in over me like a flood. 

Sometimes, it's just random dark thoughts, sometimes, it's scenarios that haven't happend yet, and sometimes, I can lie awake for hours and think of all the times I've failed at something.

(If you want to know what it's like not to be able to sleep while in that state of mind, here's a song that describes it perfectly. )

Anyhow, now' we're getting to what I really wanted to talk about: what it makes me do.

The SAD makes me avoid human contact. The depression makes me want to not be alone, but as soon as I'm with people, I feel drained and overwhelmed, and all I can focus on is how insecure I feel, and how many mistakes I might be making, which in turn, doesn't help with the depression very well.

Therefore, more often than not, I avoid talking to people.

I read messages, but I don't reply, and when I do, I'm short and concise, or I pretend to be happy and use a lot of happy emoticons/smileys. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad ALL THE TIME, and I am often genuinely happy, but these Winter Blues just make it harder for me to stay that way for very long at a time.

So anyways, in advance: I'm sorry if I bury myself under the blankets. I'm sorry if I go for long periods of time without contacting you or replying to messages. I'm not mad at you, I'm just sad.

I don't want to be left alone, and I appreciate people reaching out. I'm just not very good at doing it myself when I get like this.

And I'm sorry if my statuses on facebook are complaining or angry, I'm just venting my growing frustrations with the world so they won't consume me.

Please don't hate me. Please don't stop being my friends. Please don't think for a second that it's personal or that I dislike any of you. 

And please don't worry. I'm going to be fine. It's only for a few months each year, and since I know it's only temporary, I refuse to let it break me.