Anxiety is not about fear, it's about a growing anxiousness. Nonetheless, I have taken the liberty of writing down what I am afraid of.
I love making lists, so I'mma do it as a list. Above all else, there are three things that frighten me. I'd like to start the list with one, end it with the other, and put the third one in a random spot. Just for fun.
Here we go, things I'm afraid of:
- Suicide. One of the things that scare me the most, in fact, it scares me shitless and numb, is the fear that my friends will kill themselves. I have very few suicidal friends, but I have many with depression and/or who has/have had a tendency to hurt themselves. I live every day in fear that one day, one of them will kill themselves out of loneliness, and that if I had worked harder to make sure he/she knew how much he/she meant to me, they wouldn't have done it. I know it sounds silly, but it scares me to the point where I have to struggle not to cry when I see scars on their arms or depressed Facebook-statuses. I know that if one person can make a suicidal person know they care, they might not do it, and if someone dies on my watch... It's obviously my fault for being bad at showing people I care.
- Lightning. I am afraid of being truck by lightning to the point where I have nightmares about it. And that says a lot, considering I almost never have what I would call nightmares.
- Muppets. I shit you not, I am afraid of muppets and handpuppets and ventriloquist-dolls and other kinds of dolls with flappy mouths. I hate them, they freak me the fuck out. Those badly timed mouths, the staring, lifeless eyes *shutters*. The only muppet/puppet I was never truely afraid of was the cookie monster. Unlike the other muppets, he always had clear intentions: he wants cookies. Do not tell me how freaking funny the muppet show is, Kermit and Piggy are the worst. Even as a kid I was convinced those two, or at least the latter, were of evil intents.
- The death of a loved one. I know it kind of goes with number one here, but I am seriously very afraid that somehow, someone I love will die without knowing how much I care. And just thinking about maybe someday having to live my life without my siblings, parents, grandparents or bff's is enough to make me cry. I knooow, I'm such a girl :(
- I am afraid that the Buddhists were wrong, and that this life IS the only life we get. I can't stand the crippling pressure that would put on me to make every second count as much as possible, and it does NOT help this next point:
- I am afraid to end this life without having anything positive or worthwhile to show for it. To exit my life and be remembered as 'she who never really made anything of herself"...
- Heights. Don't make me go up in a tall building and expect me to look out the window! I cannot do it!
- Much like the fear of losing a loved one to death, I'm afraid of losing a loved one to stupidity. More correctly, MY stupidity. Most people who know me, knows that while I mean well, I have a tendency to offend people without realizing it. Now, certain people in my life (we're talking just a handful, but still) have a Queen of Hearts sort of view on life. Y'know, "someone has wronged me! Off with their HEEEAAAADS!!!" I am terrified of doing or saying something that puts these queen of hearts over the edge and makes them shut me out of their lives for good like I've seen them to do others who didn't stroke their egoes the right way. I love them, the entire handfull, but it's these people I talk to the least, due to my fear of saying something that will trigger something and anger them.
- Confrontation. I am the shaky leaver of half-angry notes, and I would rather flee the continent than stand up for myself if if can be avoided. In fact, speaking up in class if I'm not voicing a popular opinion causes my body to react in the same way as it would if I was hypoglycemic. (grey, vlammy skin, shivering, freezing, extreme thirst, dizziness, light-headedness), but I am being treated for this.
- Ghosts. Or more correctly, angering them.
I do believe in spirits, and I DO believe it is possible to contact them. However, as a buddhist, I also believe that spirits are best left alone. If you contact spirits via ouiji-boards or other means, and you are not a medium with several years of experience, there is a grave risk that you might not actually get the spirit you meant to invite. And once they're here, many spirits will not let you revoke that invitation, to put it that way. I do NOT want to anger the dead, and as I have nothing to offer them in means of help, I choose to leave them alone.
- And last, but not least... Well, this fear actually consists of two parts. Part one: I am afraid that the people who say that we only have one soul-mate are right, and that I've already squandered this chance being too young or dumb or blind to realize what I had...
Which leads us to part two: I am afraid of having to live the rest of my life without anyone to share it with.
I'm not talking, like, a life-partner or whatever, but without any close friends who actually live the same place as me. Well, I'm not gonna lie, I am a little afraid that I'll never find "true love". In fact, I'm so afraid of it that I've been clinging onto a wrongful conviction of mine (guess which one lololol winner
I'm not desperate to be in a relationship (in fact, 'standard' relationships kind of annoy me), and I'm not in a hurry to find a fling or a lover or whatever, but if I haven't at least gotten halfway there by the time I'm 30... I'm just going to give up, buy a big house, and fill it with cats and ferrets and other fluffy creatures. Maybe adopt some starving african kids or orphaned asians. Steal babies from the local hospital, kidnap a homeless person... The possibilities are endless!
Joke aside, I am seriously afraid that I will never meet someone who loves me for ME, not who they think I am or need me to be. Someone who sees past the crazy and the facade I usually put up, and knows how to handle me. Or at least accepts that that's just the way I am, and knows that despite what it might look like, I really am trying. (I'm not always that good at being affectionate =/ )
(- Oh, and I'm also afraid of contracting a fatal disease without knowing it, and not realizing until it's progressed too far for anyone to be able to do anything about it.)
This post didn't turn out as great or profound as I had hoped, but then again... I never said I was great or profound, did I?
Go suck a duck. Or, y'know, tell me what YOU'RE afraid of.
The nearest duck is probably in the park, and that's too far a walk for now (about 500 metres, but still).
ReplyDeleteSo, my fears: being tortured is about the only one I can think of. Most others I can cope with, I think - losing love, losing life (either mine or that of loved ones), losing jobs, losing other stuff - I'll just go do something else, go live someplace else, in the most extreme of cases, and start a new life or something. Keep my mind occupied.
Actually, I know a lot of people who are afraid of the stuff you just said (although I know anxiousness is officially something else), and this is what I always think: get up and do something about it. Even experiencing one of those things might cure the fear. You're afraid of dying alone? Find someone (you're probably already on it, though). You're afraid of dying without having accomplished something? Accomplish something. Use your contacts and your gifts and make or do something remarkable - you can decide whatever it is. You can decide whatever you want to do.
Your life is in your hands - it is entirely up to you what you make of it. Of course, there're the small factors of circumstance and others (and fate, should you believe in it), but you are what makes you you, and you are what makes your life your life, and worthwhile, and great, and stuff.
Of course, this is just what I think...